Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Resolution

I know it's almost mid January and I am still going to do a sort of Christmas and 2011 wrap up.
But not today.
Today I want to talk about a resolution.

A few months ago, I rewatched the movie "How Do You Know".
Cute, fluffy movie with little sprinklings of
Wait. What?
That was amazingly profound!

One of these profound moments was when Paul Rudd's character just learned he was to take the fall
for some underhanded dealings at his father's company.
The lawyer tells him something along the lines of
You will get past this.
But you have to come to terms with the fact that you will
never again be the person you were just moments ago.

That has been on my mind lately.
Don't freak out.
I'm not dying.
But there have been a lot of changes in my life this past year and the changes have only just begun.

On December 31st at around 10:30am my chest started hurting.
I had my first chest pain on 6/18/04.
Our wedding night.
Yeah. I know.
No idea where it came from but I woke up from a dead sleep and cried in pain for hours.
I've had them pretty regularly since then.
They were diagnosed as "Stress Induced Acid Reflux".
That makes sense.
Felt like heartburn and my life can be pretty darn stressful.
So there it is.
We dealt with it best we could.
Sometimes it was just a dull burn.
Sometimes I writhed in pain. Literally.
December 31st at 10:30am was no different than any other time.
Hon, I'm having chest pains.
We went to Sams to get some stronger Acid Reflux stuff.
I took it.
I hate taking medicine.
But I took it.
And it got worse.
All day, the pain kept getting more and more intense.
Finally, late that night when we were watching a movie,
Hon, when is enough going to be enough?
This is starting to feel like something different.
The pain has moved and I can't breathe without pain.
I didn't want to go to the ER because I had my diagnosis.
I didn't want to waste anyone's time.
But we went.
My mother was called over to stay the rest of the night so we didn't have to displace Griffin
and we rang in the New Year as we pulled into the parking lot.
It's gotta go up from here, babe.
They ran all the tests that have been done before that yielded nothing new but my father told me
to mention the word Gallstones and see if they would run tests for that.
Cat Scan.
A seven year misdiagnosed gallbladder chock full of stones.
Apparently it was rather large.
The pain came from one of the stones becoming dislodged in some tube
and acid was backing up.
I was admitted, was given a mass amount of drugs for the pain,
 and 12 hours later had surgery to remove my gallbladder.

Matt posted on my FB page my progress and I received a wealth of love and support.
Also lots of "In a week you'll be fine!" & "On the third day I felt so much better"
& "I don't really have to watch my diet all that much after my surgery".
I had high hopes.
Let me tell you, though.
It sucked.
For me, it has sucked.
I came home after 2 days in the hospital and I slept for 3 days.
I felt like I couldn't clear my head. And I couldn't even sit up.
Anything that activated any abdominal muscles made me cry.
Standing, sitting, coughing, sneezing, laughing, blowing my nose, anything.
And diet? That's a hard one.
Eat one thing, and I'm fine.
Eat something else I run to the bathroom within 10 minutes of consuming it.
(TMI? Sorry.)
Our internet was still down.
So I layed in bed with my thoughts.
For a week.

The monologue from that movie just kept playing in my head.
I will never again be who I was just months ago.
I heard about turning 30.
Your metabolism slows w a y    d o w n and you can't eat like you used to.
The rush to have whatever babies you will ultimately have begins.
My 32nd/33rd year has not been a banner one.
In 2011 I was diagnosed with Lupus, had my gallbladder removed, experienced
weight gain, hair loss
(although that would have been FAB if those two were in reverse), 
anxiety, depression, & wisdom teeth.

I have a road ahead of me.

I can't see too far.

But it's mine to take.

I can either go along as though none of this ever happened.
I can eat whatever I want, bathe in the sun, and continue to be surrounded by toxicity.
If I do those things, I will experience more weight gain,
more hair loss, more anxiety, & more depression.
And a slew of other things that can't be foreseen.

Or I can change it all.

Change all of my eating habits
(Who knew that foods on the "Good foods for Lupus" list would be bad foods on the
"You've had your gallbladder removed, now what?" list. Confusing.)

Work out.
But not for that rockin' bod every one chases after until February 1st.
For my health.
You know, to stick around.

Surround myself with people that make me happy.
Reach out to people whom I want to get to know more.
Stay away from toxic people and environments.

Have my wisdom teeth removed.
(It's just on the overall To Do list.)

Find a Doctor who will listen to my plethora of health issues and who will carve out
a way of life for me to live manageably and successfully.

Say NO more often when I'm overbooking myself.

Say YES more often to things that will make me really happy.

That's the bulk of the list for 2012.
The resolution?
That's it.
On December 30th, I started making a mental list of all the things that I wanted to
accomplish in 2012.
With photography, with this blog, with my family, etc.
But in just one day, my resolution came down to one thing.
Because without a healthy me, there is no photography, blog, & family.
The whole put your mask on yourself before helping the person next to you
mentality is in full affect.

Some things I'm totally clear on.
Some things are going to be a bit more of a challenge.
Like, my day job is the most toxic thing in my life.
It creates an unhealthy environment for me physically and emotionally.
But they pay me pretty well.
Our finances and life is balanced just as it is with the money that is coming in right now.
If I leave there and get paid less, what will happen?
Why go somewhere else and take money away from your family just because you want to be

You know what's holding me back there.
So that's what I'm going to work on.
How that will change the direction of this blog, I'm not sure.
But I'm rather looking forward to the change.
Because I'm all in.
I've got a supportive husband who is willing to change his habits too and a son who has proven
to be really really gentle and caring and tender when I need it the most.
So, yeah.
I'm all in.

Bring it, 2012.


  1. i'm all in with you babe! i'm here whenever you need me!

    1. I know you are. And me for you! Love you!

  2. You have everything it takes to make these changes and I'm all in with you 100% too!!!!! Such a beautiful post my friend. <3

    1. You rock, my friend. Thank you for all you've done for me. I'm so glad we're friends. :)

  3. Wow! Sounds like you have had a rough few years! Just clicked on your blog through instagram, love your blog and will now go back and comment on instagram, good luck with your resolution! You go girl!,

    1. Justine, thank you so much for clicking over and checking out my blog! And thank you for following me on Instagram! I'm following you too. :) And thank you for the vote of confidence. Means a lot!

  4. Wow you've been through a lot! I've delt with the same gallbladder issues. About 6 years ago I would give Uthese awful pains and feel like I was going to puke all the time. I went and got an ultrasound and was told I have "a lot of sludge" in my gallbladder. Magically the pain stopped and had no problems until last spring. Same pain, went to the ER they could not find anything, not even the sludge. The same pain still comes and goes sometimes. I wish it would make up its mind already. :)

    Glad to read you are making yourself a priority! I know it's hard as Mamas but we've got to do it. Hang in there!

  5. I have enjoyed your photos on Instagram, so I decided to come check out your blog. Wow, you have certainly been through a lot! I so hope that 2012 is a year of healing for you!!!