Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Moments

I've been debating on whether or not to write this post
and after much thought I decided I needed to. 
This might be TMI for some of you so feel free
to skip past his post if you feel like it.

My last visit with my doctor was the best one so far. 
I've slowed down to visiting once a month and at my last visit I finally got the news
 I'd been waiting for.
We could start trying for a baby!!
All of my hard work was paying off and my body was finally healthy enough to sustain a life!
Needless to say, I ran right home into the arms of my husband
and we did a happy dance together.
Literally. A dance. Get your mind out of the gutter. 
Right after we got the good news from my doctor, Griffin randomly 
started to put "babies" on everything. 
What's that little X there, Griffin?
Oh! That's a baby.
What's that little moon there, Griffin?
Oh! That's a baby. 
We were dying. 
He had no idea that we were going to try for a baby.  
BUT.
We weren't too hopeful for anything to come about right away. 
After all, Griffin took almost four years to conceive. 
So, life went on. 
Several weeks later I received a package in the mail from my Bestie
One of the very few people who knew we were trying, she sent me a box FULL  of tests!
 I was psyched. 
I tore into the package and made a beeline for the bathroom.
Whataya know!
Four years to conceive Griffin.
About four days for this little peanut. 
I yelled for Matt to come upstairs and showed him the test. 
We did another happy dance. 
And life went on. 
New life.
A trip to my OB was made. 
A first ultrasound was scheduled. 
Goal planning was happening at home.
On July 7th, after I got home from a photo shoot, Matt and I began to deep clean the house. 
He left to go on a Target run.
I took it easy most of the day, per doctor's orders. 
I started spotting the day before. Nothing alarming. Normal. Just take it easy.
After awhile I did get tired, so I sat down and took this Instagram photo with the caption
"That moment when you need a break from really working hard at organizing/purging your house and you just sit and stare. Feeling tired but satisfied and productive. That moment."
I will always remember that moment. I was giddy with the new life growing inside of me and 
it was killing me not being able to tell anyone. 
I felt happy, peaceful, hopeful...
then crampy.
I sent Matt the following text:
"Bleeding again. Heavier this time. Stopping all work to lay down."
Matt came home and I started feeling better.
Then I got up to go to the bathroom. 
I sat down.
And I lost my baby. 

I screamed for Matt to come upstairs and showed him.
He held me tight while I screamed into his chest. 
In the blink of an eye. 
A life will never be lived. 
I will always remember THAT moment. 
That feeling that the life that was inside of me mere moments earlier was now in the...
Oh GOD. 
And for nine days thereafter I had a physical reminder of the ripping pain in my heart. 
A nine day full-on cramping, bloated, heavy period. 
I wanted to forget. 
I wanted to move on.
But the reminder was there. 
As a salve to my wounds, a few amazing things happened in that time.
I got to spend some days-on-end time with Griffin. 
The deep feeler that he is, he knew something was making me sad.
No bubble-blowing, mattress-jumping, dance party could mask it from him.
And he fiercely protected my wounded heart with snuggles,
proclamations of love,
squeezy hugs, 
kisses,
good manners,
and silliness. 

He also turned four. His birthday was a turning point for me.
The physical reminder was still there but there was no sadness that day.
Not for one moment. 

Yesterday marked the end of the physical healing.
I woke up feeling like I lost ten pounds!
I woke up smiling.
Then I had an awful day at work.
Terrible.
But last night I had a date with our new heavybag.
I put my earbuds in, blasted the music needed, and punched and kicked
until I was smiling again.
I will always remember THAT moment. 
Triumph.
Power.
Happiness.
Hope.
Little moments. 
Little life beginning,
life ending, 
life changing
moments.
All these moments are mine.
To rejoice.
To grieve.
To learn and grown from.
What have I learned? I've learned that it's not my fault.
I've learned to see the good amidst the pain.
I've learned that life goes on. This little life of ours goes on.
It is a good life.

12 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for your loss, Cassie. You have an inspiring attitude, and I look forward to what is in store for you :)

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  2. Oh my goodness Cassie this post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing your story. So sad but also so very beautiful. Sending LOVE!

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  3. Sending love and prayers and hugs! I commend you for your strength through your hard moment. Stay strong lovely lady!

    xoxo,
    Jen

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  4. michelle radin seymourJuly 18, 2012 at 5:58 PM

    Cassie, you are an amazing person. You are such an intrinsic survivor, it's such a part of you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to living life at 100%. It amazes me, inspires me, and makes me smile through the tears life brings.

    You conceived this special life. That life didn't get to continue. Nothing can change the sadness caused by such a great loss. But it also means you can conceive again. You are a great mom, to one or two, or however many babies you are blessed with. As always you rock!

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  5. Oh, my sweet sweet Cassie. You amaze me every day. I love your hope and the way you look to God and your family in times of sadness. I love the way you power on through life with enthusiasm and strength and I love how you're not afraid to share yourself with us. Thank you for your transparency. You're in my heart. xoxo

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  6. Cassie, I am sitting here in tears. The story itself is mind-blowing, and your attitude inspiring and immensely humbling. But the way you tell it, just, I don't want to post some stupid comment on your blog I want to hug you!

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  7. Oh Cassie, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you & praying for you.

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  8. Sending you a gigantic hug.
    You are amazingly beautiful.

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  9. Sending you much love... Popped over from instagram and so glad I did. You'll be in my prayers hun.

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  10. cassie, i am in awe of your strength and sincere hope-fullness. the world needs more of people like you. my heart is heavy for you and i pray that you continue to find peace as your heart mends.

    "the Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singings."

    your ig friend,
    allison (lucadele)

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  11. Cassie...big hugs to you.
    I'm so sorry to read this.
    Sending much love and healing your way.

    ig(sandralundy)

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